There are many reasons why this doesn’t cut it:
The track starts with an ugly 800 Hz pop, probably because you left no silence before bar one. Overall sound is not pleasant at all and has a cheap quality to it. There is no bass, really, there is nothing below 160 Hz, that’s why the track sounds hollow and has no bottom. The higher frequencies are distorted and unpleasant. The mix is very amateurish and badly compressed. This doesn’t sound like a mix made in a professional environment.
The beat is full of mistakes and completely off timing-wise so that the track is stumbling rather than flowing. Not much is going on composition wise. There is a lot of work to be done on all aspects of production - good luck!