Hi there, this is what I hear:
Bass sound doesn’t fit the vibe of the track.
That low ‘booming sound’ collides with the bassline.
The piano sounds a bit cheap, and mechanical, like it was not played by a human, it lacks subtlety.
The track lacks cohesion, it’s a mix of several individual parts, it’s not really 'a whole’
Too many different instruments.
Drums are okay I guess.
It ends way too abrubtly.
Try to figure out what makes a track interesting for a customer to buy for commercial use, it has to
-Have a high standard of sound quality
-Have a logical progression/buildup
-Be easy to listen to as a background track
-Be mixed perfectly