It’s a good start and the track has definitely got potential. Some great tips by SpinTone. Here are the aspects of the mix that concern me at the moment:
The main problem for me is the mix. Firstly the strings sound a little too strong and should probably be lowered a bit to sit in the mix better. The string samples also sound quite unrealistic, but this is hard to judge as they sound like they have been phase-manipulated, either by an intentional effect (flanger / phaser) or by excessive layering. I would take out any phase effects such as phasers and flangers (if they are being used in this mix).
Some additional for advice for the mix would be to spread it a bit more. Right now the mix sounds a little slurred and muddy. Most likely it’s because you’ve layered several layers of differently pitched string sections (upper and lower) occupying the same are of the frequency spectrum (particularly the mids). Firstly I’d remove any unnecessary layers of strings to clear everything up, and then work on getting everything in the mix to sit nicely. A good mixing tip is to ensure each instrument / section has it’s own unique area in the frequency spectrum to occupy without fighting for room and making the mix sound muddy. Consider boosting the low-mid, upper bass area at 200-400Hz for the lower strings and cutting / High-Passing any of the upper string sections. You might also want to hard-pan certain sections (100% left or 100% right) to add more spatial quality to the track, as well as giving it a more separated sound. If you do this though, make sure that with every pan to the left, there is something on the right to balance out the track.
Secondly, I’d have to agree with SpinTone in that the track has a fairly convoluted and confusing structure, if at all. Tracks that perform well here are those with a coherent structure and are easy to follow. Like SpinTone said, consider adding a main “chorus” section with an easy to follow chord progression. This will lay down a good foundation to the track.
In terms of composition, I’d say the track is good, though there are some potentially problematic areas at 3:47 with dissonance and modulation. Aspects such as these can be quite distracting and potentially affect the commercial usability / versatility of the track.
Lastly, there is no prominent theme or motif to the track other than the string swells. If your intent for this track was strictly background music (which is fine), this isn’t entirely necessary, but you may want to add a theme or hook to draw attention to. This can make the track much more engaging and memorable as the main melody / hook is usually what stays in the listener’s head!
Keep working on it and don’t forget to post any new versions here.