The song has good qualities and I like the general idea. I’m sure it could be successful with some improvements. You are clearly talented, so don’t give up!
Few things to improve in my humble opinion:
-The song is overly complicated. In this case, less is better. Do you really all this instrumentation? Do you really need those choirs? Another exemple: The modulation at 1:11, I think it’s too much. Keep in mind that corpo tracks should stay low profile. Buyers want your tracks to complement their work, not to take the front stage!
-You made some harmony mistakes: The biggest one is at precisely 0:25, you have a F minor chords that really doesn’t get along with your ostinato pattern. To fix this you might want to modify slightly your pattern at that point so it fits your chords. Ostinatos should always fits your chords.
-I have to agree with Manriquedelara about the high frequencies. The song sounds way too crisp and harsh. This is a mix and mastering issue.
keep up the good work, try to simplify your work a bit and you’ll be successful.